pappas flicka

i grew up knowing that my father would not be there when i got older. just a feeling i always had and the feeling grew stronger for each passing year. you would think this made me keep a safe distance from him. but no. it only made me love him more. i was the very definition of “daddy’s girl” and there was nothing in the world my dad couldn’t do. well, except swim perhaps – the only time i saw him even near the water was when he was sitting on the pier, splashing about in the water with his size 48 wellington’s on… funny thing come to think of it. his biggest dream had always been to become a sailor.

anyway. the closer it gets the harder it gets. i have lost count of how many times i’ve rushed to the hospital to say my goodbyes and sit there with his hand in my mine. i’ve stopped trying to even remotely limit the tears rolling down. i’ve come to terms with the fact that there is nothing, not a single thing, i can do to prevent what is coming. but all this… it doesn’t make it one bit easier.

and i have no clue what i’m supposed to do next. how i should act, what i should think, where i should go. the one person that always came with the right words is the one person i’m losing. or already lost to be honest. cancer is such a cruel devil, “skin and bones” have a totally new meaning for me after this summer gone by. not to mention what it does to someone’s mind after literally eating the brain for a year.

in short. i’m lost. but they say god/the universe/whatever doesn’t give you more than you can carry so i’ll be back. someday. somehow. somewhere. until then, have patience with me. pick up the pieces and glue them back together, will you? and do me a favour. show people that you care. be nice to strangers. tell your parents you love them. don’t be too hard on yourselves. this is no dress rehearsal – this is life.



  1. Dear Chia…

    I am missing you, Chia, and I’ll be waiting for you, will
    say a word of hello once in a while…just to let you know that I want to be there with you…
    Be sure I am already…when I read your words I wish it might be some of your tears that I can cry…just to keep your shoulders as stroong and light as they still are…

    We will laugh a lot, jetsetting away… when you are back…until then stay as you are, be honest as you are and pure…

    Feel my kiss flying through the cloudy sky from Munich to Helsinki…
    Yours Renata

    1. what can i say. it’s friends like you that keep me above the surface these days. i must have done something right in a previous life to deserve you all… thank you!


  2. miguel de Avendaño · · Reply

    Having been through somewhat similar situations (father & mother, cancer & other cause, although each person’s suffering is unique and non-transferable) I can only say how much I really sympathise and agree with all you say. Only time can help and knowing that you’ve been with him all you can. Live each day….

    1. we all have our sorrows and burdens to bear.. thank you for all your kind words!

  3. Gögu · · Reply

    Jag är väldigt ledsen för din far och alla som håller honom kär. Man måste vara käslokall av oerhörda mått för att inte bli djupt rörd av det här inlägget. Jag har bevittnat en av mig omtyckt släkting bli uppäten av den här mardrömslika sjukdomen, men det var inte min far så jag påstår inte att jag vet hur du känner dig.

    Keep strong!

    1. tack! som jag skrev tidigare så har vi alla våra sorger att bära, en kan inte jämföras med en annan. men omtanken värmer och det är det viktigaste. man orkar vidare ytterligare en dag.

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