i grew up knowing that my father would not be there when i got older. just a feeling i always had and the feeling grew stronger for each passing year. you would think this made me keep a safe distance from him. but no. it only made me love him more. i was the very definition of “daddy’s girl” and there was nothing in the world my dad couldn’t do. well, except swim perhaps – the only time i saw him even near the water was when he was sitting on the pier, splashing about in the water with his size 48 wellington’s on… funny thing come to think of it. his biggest dream had always been to become a sailor.
anyway. the closer it gets the harder it gets. i have lost count of how many times i’ve rushed to the hospital to say my goodbyes and sit there with his hand in my mine. i’ve stopped trying to even remotely limit the tears rolling down. i’ve come to terms with the fact that there is nothing, not a single thing, i can do to prevent what is coming. but all this… it doesn’t make it one bit easier.
and i have no clue what i’m supposed to do next. how i should act, what i should think, where i should go. the one person that always came with the right words is the one person i’m losing. or already lost to be honest. cancer is such a cruel devil, “skin and bones” have a totally new meaning for me after this summer gone by. not to mention what it does to someone’s mind after literally eating the brain for a year.
in short. i’m lost. but they say god/the universe/whatever doesn’t give you more than you can carry so i’ll be back. someday. somehow. somewhere. until then, have patience with me. pick up the pieces and glue them back together, will you? and do me a favour. show people that you care. be nice to strangers. tell your parents you love them. don’t be too hard on yourselves. this is no dress rehearsal – this is life.