it’s been said that people judge you by what you do, not by your intentions. this weekend i am doing something that many people will look upon with disbelief and perhaps even loath. but i don’t care. because i know something they don’t know. i know this is how it has to be.
my father is dying. if we’re talking days or hours now, i don’t know. he is heavily drugged with morphine and he does not know much of this world anymore. my heart is breaking, tears are falling, but with my chin held high i am packing my suitcase. to go to stockholm.
i was this close to cancel but i couldn’t do it. i kept hearing my father’s voice in my head.
i have been blessed with the greatest father you could have. he never missed a chance to tell me how proud he was of me. even the smallest thing he managed to turn into a huge event. surely, i didn’t really believe all of it, especially not when he started saying how proud he was of me jet-setting through europe, attending ball after ball. i mean, come on dad, i’ve just changed where i party from the student union to… well.. yeah.. castles and stuff.. but it’s heavy partying never the less. he said it didn’t matter, he was proud anyway.
this summer at gerby i’ve been reading his diaries that he left there for me. i gathered that, since he had not burnt them like he did with a lot of stuff, he wouldn’t mind me reading them. he never wrote much. only a row in a booklet spread per day. but he did so every day. and that’s when i finally understood. all my trips, ever taken, were in those booklets. a quick note the day i left and a longer one the day i returned. he always used to call me the night i got home, just to hear how the trip had been, if the weather had been nice, if i had met any new interesting people, seen new interesting places…
the only time this year that i have openly shown him my tears was when i was supposed to go to paris in the spring. i didn’t want to go, i wanted to cancel. but he told me he wouldn’t have it this way. his exact words were “no matter what happens, you are boarding that plane. your life is waiting for you there, there’s nothing left for you here.” he wiped away my tears and told me to bring back some chocolate.
what happens now is out of my hands. but tomorrow i’m getting on that flight to stockholm and by god am i going to enjoy myself. this one is for you dad!