groundhog day

why does january always feel like one never ending tiresome monday? it’s dark, it’s cold – or when the temperature is bearable like today it’s of course snowing again – and you have something that could be described as a (moral) hangover after eating too much during the holidays. you go to bed convinced the next day will turn out better than the day you’re leaving behind, but the moment you wake up again you realise you have become bill murray. in fact, when you catch that first glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror you even look like him.

that said, do you think i like being this fretful? do you think i like waking up every morning feeling uninspired, irritated and pathetic? no. i don’t. and since i’m a firm believer in karma and all that shit i would very much like to stop whining. but. there’s a reason. a very simple and old one actually. pain. for some reason my back has taken a serious turn for the worse and i don’t know why let alone what to do about it. i feel pain when sitting, standing and lying. most especially when lying, and that’s a new. i have tried yoga, stretching, walking in uggs or other flat shoes, walking in shoes with heels, lying on my spikemat, lying on a warm corn pad, getting a massage, munching painkillers… hell, i even got a new mattress for my bed. nothing helps. i’m out of options and i’m as tired as it gets, only sleeping about four-five hours a night. the rest of the night i’m walking around in my apartment feeling like i’m going on 80 instead of 30. in my attempts to forget the pain my thoughts wander off to god knows where and suddenly i find myself thinking about things i should really leave alone – you know all those thoughts that make you question yourself, your relationships with other people, where you’re heading in life etc.

so once again i am forced to ask you all to have patience with me. read this old post and please believe me when i say i have a high tolerance for pain. i wouldn’t complain if it wasn’t bad. really bad.


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