the weak and the vulnerable

my mood took an extreme turn for the worse again. for the first time in my 30-year-old life i called my mum just to cry. yes, really. first time. remember what i wrote a few days ago.. of course my poor mum did not know what to say or do so after hanging up i called S. she congratulated me of finally being normal, finally walking on the ground with the rest, finally catching up with real life, finally allowing myself to really FEEL.

great. here i was actually thinking i was doing quite well, being happy for my new job and everything. but apparently it’s normal to feel shitty even though you have nice things going on in your life. apparently it’s normal to suddenly get absurdly angry with your father for influencing you so much you don’t know how to deal with things seven months after he’s gone. apparently it’s normal to think you have sorted everything out only to realise you’ve just begun. apparently it’s normal to be pissed off at someone even though you still like the person in question. apparently it’s all normal…

tomorrow i’m taking a day off. going to sleep in, go for a long walk in whatever weather might come along, get a massage and get back to bed. if i don’t answer the phone or my e-mail or similar, don’t take it personally. i need to contemplate this whole being a normal vulnerable woman-thing.

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