walking through syrup

Imageso. i’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately. ok, more than a little, to be honest, and a little bit longer than lately.. i’ve been tired, the kind of tired that doesn’t get better with sleep, indifferent to everything happening around me, lazy as i dunno what, dieting to get rid of earlier mentioned few pounds that just suddenly appeared, and been experiencing a lot of other symptoms.

the most common explanation people have given me is you’re worn out from work. given how indifferent i’ve felt, i’ve just agreed, but gone home to my sofa with a nagging feeling that’s not the case. some have said the opposite; you’re not challenged enough, you’re overqualified for your work. to that i felt i could agree, but most of the times i didn’t. why? well, because then i would’ve had to do something about it. and i really couldn’t be bothered with job hunting. really.

i know most of you who have seen me the last year or so might not recognise this description of me, but rest assured, there’s usually a lot more going on with someone than he or she lets on. during the years with my father’s illness, and death, i learnt to put on quite the brave face. and that’s what i’ve just been doing the last year as well; pretending to be present whilst calculating in my head how many more minutes until i reach my sofa.

in april, when suddenly realising i was hurrying home to watch an episode of the king of all soap operas instead of going out for AW, i decided it’s time to do something about this. life is not supposed to be like this just because you’ve turned 30. i’m not supposed to have more in common with my mother than with women my own age. and the thing is, i already had a feeling what was wrong, i was just not really keen on getting it fixed, for that would mean i would have to start living again, and the thought of that made me even more tired.

my workplace has a great health care system, so i scheduled an extensive check up, with extra focus on my thyroid. i had read quite a few articles on problems associated with the thyroid, and when i found a longer list of symptoms, i could check about 2/3 of it.

as it turned out, the test results were barely within normal range – normal for finland that is – but since i had so many symptoms, and pointed out that several countries, including for instance sweden and the us, have changed their opinions of what’s normal, the doctor concluded that i might actually suffer from a mild form of hypothyroidism.

now, a while later, i’m back to being me. i woke up one morning last week and noticed a feeling of being present again. like a layer of cotton had been removed from around my brain (yes, that was the morning i wrote that angry post that got me a one-way-ticket to the radio). it doesn’t feel like i’m stuck in syrup any longer, i get out of bed when the alarm strikes (not two hours later as was the case still two weeks ago), i don’t have to pretend to be me all the time, i look forward to meeting new people, and most of all, i care.

all thanks to a little white pill containing a hormone called thyroxine. sweet!


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