What a weird, weird summer. Nothing is really turning out the way I thought it would, yet it’s somehow just the way it was always supposed to be. All the things I wanted to do, I’ve had to forget about; Enjoying nice flowers in the garden – no, let’s have the deer eat them. Meeting new people at the Riviera – no, let’s take away her voice. Walking along the Promenade des Anglais – no, let’s break her toe. Redoing the kitchen – no, let’s fill that up with stuff so she can’t cook properly, let alone hang new curtains… etc etc etc.
But still, it all feels okay. It seems years of bad stuff are finally culminating. Coming to an end. Like the last loose ends are being taken care of, before the past will really be the past, and the future is the only way to go. These last two or three summers, I’ve felt like I’ve been stuck in the same rut over and over again. Another year has passed, yet still the issues I’ve been facing have been the same. More than once have I asked myself, and those around me, haven’t I been here already? Didn’t I deal with this? But not this summer.
Last August, I was accused of having changed (yes, accused is the proper word when thinking of the way it was said). I was more or less dumbfounded, as I didn’t understand how the situation at hand could in any way be because of me. “Well, you’re Chia. You’re not like that.” And by that, it was implicated I don’t get angry, sad, upset, or disappointed. I’m okay with people treating me, and my stuff, like yesterday’s news. Not only am I okay with it, I laugh at it.
A friend said, a few weeks later, that she could see how I before her very eyes reached a turning point.
It took me a very long time to comprehend completely what had led up to that series of events. It took me blood, sweat, and tears really, but in the end I realised that somewhere along the way, in the years leading up to last summer, I had lost myself. The attributes people were giving me didn’t seem right, but I was too tired and weak, and wanted so much to fit in, that I had, in many ways, become someone I didn’t want to be.
But you know what. That end of summer last year. I didn’t change. I just woke up. And by now, I’m wide awake, curiously eyeing out my future. I think I’ll like it there.