people keep pointing out that there’s always something happening around me. i might not always be the most social person in the room, but having me around seems to add to the crazy factor. most of the time i don’t even understand it myself. it’s not like i intentionally set out to turn the world upside down. at least not always…
anyway. to the outside world, i may often be seen as a social butterfly and a party animal, but my inside is borderline highly sensitive. i don’t think people really understand exactly how much alone time i really need. and when i say alone, i really mean alone. i don’t mean going for a drink with a friend. i don’t mean dinner with the family. i don’t mean a walk in a park with a hundred other joggers. no, i really mean me, myself and i. preferably in the forest. with complete radio silence. the further away i get from wifi and 3G, the more connected i feel.
i know not everyone understands this. they tend to think i’m depressed, or worse, lonely. they think i need company. they think i need booze. they think i need chocolate. okay, the latter may be true to some extent, but the only thing i really need is to be at one with nature.
have you ever stopped to think that the reason for me being so strong is because i allow myself to be so sensitive? because i allow myself to disappear from the world every now and then?
earlier this week i stated i was feeling a bit under the weather. i’ve been travelling, working, and partying so much these last few weeks, i needed my soul to catch up. my apartment in helsinki looks like it’s been visited by the tasmanian devil, but i really couldn’t care less, and that is always a first sign that i’m more exhausted than what i am giving myself credit for. so, instead of cleaning up there, i decided to telecommute even though it’s getting chilly out in the countryside. not having a bunch of colleagues running in and out of my office all the time really helps a lot when it comes to actually getting anything done. and after some efficient hours by the computer, i went out for a walk in the forest. picked some funnel chanterelles, and hugged a tree or two. no really, i couldn’t sit down, as i wanted to (too wet and cold), so instead i leaned into a lonesome tree, taking in the sounds of the forest. taking in the wisdom of the tree. taking in the universe. waiting for my soul.
silent tears started rolling as i could feel my body and mind relaxing. dusk was setting before i felt ready to move again.
i needed this.
* quote by john muir