Tag Archives: dad

autumn equinox

Just lit a candle for my dad, he would’ve turned 77 today. Feels like half a lifetime ago since we last spoke, yet it’s only been a little over three years. Feels like it was yesterday I was irritated with him checking up on me all the time, yet it’s almost four years since I […]

min kompis

my father had a very romantic view of life at sea. he loved the thought of old-time cruise ships, and he often used the term “when seated at the captain’s table” when teaching me good table manners as a child.. mum wasn’t really convinced, but being daddy’s girl, i thought this was a very serious […]

365 dagar

Ett år har gått. Sorgeåret. Nu är det lixom meningen att man ska vara okej igen. Jo just..  Jag tycker jag under årets lopp gått igenom hela paletten av känslor och endast en bråkdel har egentligen handlat om pappa. Det är som om hans bortgång gav upphov till en dominoeffekt utan like, jag har fått […]

monday blues

he’s suddenly in my dreams every night. i don’t know if it’s because enough time has passed for me to deal with it or what, but i see him in his wheelchair, in his hospital bed and wandering around in the pyjamas that was getting bigger and bigger as time shrank him. i treat him […]

du ska svära lite så går det bättre

six months. already. only. went to the grave yesterday. couldn’t find it. since i had already lit the candle i was determined however to at least give it a shot. tried to put my steps so that i would walk on the stone edge of another grave i knew was there somewhere. it went pretty […]

the tradition

every christmas, on the 22nd or 23rd, my dad and i would go on tour. we would fill the car with flower arrangements, boxes of chocolate and gifts i had carefully wrapped. i would wear a christmas hat and dad would worry it was too cold. after checking the batteries in the flash light (one […]

how ironic

actually this is beyond ironic. post-ironic or what was the phrase… if there was anything that ever frightened our father it was the thought of any of us children driving in bad weather. many were the times he called me and/or my sister here in helsinki and begged us not to come to father’s day’s […]

alla helgons dag

halloween, all hallows’ eve, might have been celebrated last weekend in many countries, but up north in finland and sweden we celebrate all saints’ eve tomorrow. having recently lost my father i gathered i’m supposed to light some candles, think about him and be sad he’s no longer here. join the people who think it’s […]


they say the first year after losing someone is the worst. a lot of  “firsts”. today’s the first “first”. it’s my dad’s birthday. can you call heaven and ask to speak to the birthday boy? … didn’t think so. yesterday was actually the first time i really felt bad for losing him. i was out […]

beautiful day

it’s never easy to say goodbye. but after so many years of illness and disease, it didn’t feel all that bad. it was a day filled with sunshine and love, with tears and laughter. dad had made no wishes or requests, but when faced with the situation, we had not had any problems with the […]


flaggan vajar på halvstång. bordet är dukat, huset är uppvärmt. solen skiner, vattnet ligger lugnt. tystnaden sänker sig över gerby. tårarna rinner sakta ner för kinderna, stunden är kommen. Jag har hört om en stad ovan molnen, ovan jordiska, dimhöljda länder. Jag har hört om dess solljusa stränder, och en gång, tänk en gång är […]

life goes on

a week has passed. already. only. i’m finally starting to feel like i’m on this planet again. still very tired – exhausted to be exact – but starting to get used to not feeling worry and angst all the time. however, i’m still waiting for dad to ring me and ask how the party in […]